Totally Radical Sportz!

Episode 1 – “The Angel”

(Pico & Miguel are walking to the local Home Depot early Monday morning..)

Pico: (yawns)  So sleepy.

Miguel: What did you do this weekend, Pico?

Pico: Watched football. Drank cervezas. Had to shoot my keeds’ dog. What did you do?

Miguel: I told you, I got that second job at the Super Walmart. On the loading dock.

Pico: My keeds so sad. They dog is dead.

Miguel: Now my wife wants me to get a third job at night during the week.

Pico: Don’t get a job as a dog-shooter. It make you very sad.

Miguel: Here we are.

Pico: Whose lawn do you think we’ll cut today? Somebody famous?

Miguel: (shrugs)

(A pickup truck squeals to a stop in front of the large group of day laborers..)

Nugent: (pointing to Pico & Miguel and three other men)  You, you and those three! Get the FUCK in my truck!

~~~

(Ted Nugent leads the five laborers to the backyard of his Beverly Hills estate..)

Nugent: You Mexicans ever mowed a millionaire’s lawn before?

Pico: (nods)

Miguel: We are Salvadorean.

Nugent: I don’t care if you’re Leonardo Fuckin’ Davincicode! Git to mowin’!

(The other three men begin work as Pico cracks a beer..)

Miguel: Pico, what are you doing?

Pico: Having a cerveza. I am thirsty.

Miguel: You’ll get us fired! I need this job!

Pico: Relax, Miguel. Here, have a drink.  (hands Miguel a beer)

Nugent: (leaps out from behind a bush)  BUSTED!

Miguel: Mr. Nugent, it’s not what you think!

Nugent: Well, I think it’s a party. It’s not a party?

Pico: (nods)

Miguel: No!

Nugent: Well, it is now!  (whips out three 40 oz’s)

Pico: Alright!  (cracks open 40)

Nugent: (shoves Miguel)  Chug it, NARC!

Miguel: It’s eight in the morning!

Nugent: NARC!

Pico: NARC!

(Pico & The Nuge keep chanting “NARC!” until Miguel takes a swig, at which point they start chanting “CHUG!”)

Miguel: (chugs, belches)

Pico & Nugent: (cheer)

~~~

(An hour later, Pico, Miguel & The Nuge are staring up at the clouds; as the other three laborers work behind them..)

Miguel: (pointing)  That one looks like an angel.

Pico: I think that is an angel!

Nugent: That ain’t no angel! That’s a white-topped airhawk!

(Nugent vanishes into his house and reappears with a bow & arrow..)

Nugent: Bombs away!

Pico: (clapping excitedly, jumping up & down)

Miguel: I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Mr. Nugent. This is a crowded neighborhood.

Nugent: Quit yer yappin’, Tall Boy!  (fires arrow)

(The white-tipped airhawk plummets out of the sky and slams into the ground with a thump. The workers gather around it..)

Worker #1: (takes off his cap and does a cross across his chest)

Worker #2: Santa Maria!

Worker #3: Ay dios mio!

Nugent: Hoo boy.

Miguel: You shot an angel. From Heaven.

Nugent: (squinting at the dead angel)  That would be one fuckin’ sweet album cover.

Pico: (barfs)

Nugent: Whoa, not on the lawn, Short Pint.

Miguel: We should call someone. A priest or something.

Nugent: (thrusts a finger into Miguel’s face)  You let me handle this, Mexico!

(Minutes later..)

(Back at the Nugent Estate, Pico & The Nuge are enjoying one last beer while Miguel helps the workers clean up..)

Nugent: How’s the beer, Short Pint?

Pico: Ees good.

Nugent: (squinting into the birches near the back of his yard)  What the? Is that..? Bigfoot’s headed for my vegetable garden again! Get my bow, Pico!

Pico: Oh boy! Beegfoot!

~~~

(Tuesday morning, Pico & Miguel are walking to Home Depot for another day of work..)

Pico: Do you believe in God, Miguel?

Miguel: Pico, we saw Ted Nugent shoot an angel with a bow and arrow just yesterday!

Pico: Yeah, me neither.