“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 17 – “The Trial”

(Martin King answers a knock at the front door and is met by a nondescript man in a dark suit who hands him a stack of paper..)

Martin: Man, you are one professional paper boy.

Man: Mr. King, you’ve been served.

Martin: What?

(The man walks away & Martin scowls at him, shaking the papers over his head..)

Martin: You didn’t even dance!

~~~

(Martin slaps the affidavit down on the front counter at Jafar’s Bazaar..)

Martin: Can you believe this crap?

Bennie: No!  (hollering from back at the ice cream freezer)

Jafar: (dons his glasses)  You are being sued. This does not surprise me.

Martin: Yeah, but look who’s suing me!

Jafar: The Town of Rumford.

Martin: Huh? What’s up with that?

Jafar: Well, you have done some terrible, terrible things in this town.

Martin: Yeah, but what’s Rumford?

Jafar: …

Martin: Hello?

Jafar: Rumford is the town we are currently in. Your home.

Martin: Ohhh, I always thought it was Springfielb.

Jafar: Springfielb?

Martin: Nevermind, dude. I already feel dumb enough. So can you help me with this whole trial thing? You’re always good at getting me out of scrapes.

Jafar: I am a shopkeeper. Not a lawyer.

Martin: Well, don’t you know anybody? You must go to court all the time for, you know, lookin’ like a terrorist and stuff.

Jafar: (sets the affidavit down)  I am done.

Bennie: I can help you, bro.

(Bennie puts an arm around Martin, his face smeared with what Martin hopes is chocolate ice cream..)

Bennie: I got a guy.

~~~

(Martin & Bennie are on the second floor of a skeevy strip mall on the outskirts of Rumford, sitting in the waiting room of The Law Offices of Joe Blansky..)

Martin: This Joe Blansky guy, Bennie – is he any good?

Bennie: (nods)  His bus stop bench ads say so. And he hablas Espanol.

Martin: Wow, smart.

Bennie: Yeah, he’s gotten me off a few pretty serious cases.

Martin: Drugs?

Bennie: (peers over at Martin warily)  Yeah…drugs.

(Joe Blansky bursts out of his office door with a young giggly girl who runs out the front door while Joe wipes his nose..)

Blansky: We’ll talk more about that…case later, Britni!

Bennie: (shakes Joe’s hand)  Mr. Blansky, this is Martin King. He’s in need of your services.

Blansky: (enthusiastically shakes Martin’s hand)  Excellent! Excellent! Pleasure to meet you! You’re Oriental, I like that! Goes over well with the juries. They love Browns!

Martin: Browns?

Blansky: Non-Whites. Come with me!

(Martin glances at Bennie and they follow Joe into his opulent office..)

Martin: Wow, lotta gold in here.

Blansky: That’s fool’s gold! Don’t tell anybody.

Martin: Wouldn’t think of it. So I’m being sued by the town.

Blansky: The whole town?

Martin: I think so.

Blansky: Oh, this is gonna be one helluva case. We could hit the front page of the Rumford Daily Ledger if we play our cards right. What are the charges?

Martin: (sheepishly rubs the back of his neck)  Oh, there’s an assortment.

Blansky: Excellent, I like variety. That’s how my wife and I keep our marriage fresh.

Martin: (grins)  By fucking around?

Blansky: (scowls)  By purchasing variety packs of Nature Valley Granola Bars.

Martin: Oh.

Blansky: It’s like a different flavor every morning!

Martin: Hm.

~~~

(The morning of the trial, Martin & his family arrive at the Rumford Town Courthouse in their Sunday best. Martin takes his seat at the defendant’s table next to Joe Blansky who flashes him a thumbs-up and a grin. Martin points at Joe’s nose and he hastily wipes it..)

Guard: All rise for the honorable Judge Ito.

Martin: Oh, I always wondered what happened to that guy.

Blansky: (“whispers” loud enough for Ito to hear)  Blew all his money on blow back in La-La Land.

Martin: (chortles)

(Judge Ito glares at the two men as prosecutor Tad Hunter – twice named Rumford’s Most Eligible Bachelor in Rumford Lifestyle Magazine – begins his opening remarks..)

Hunter: Ladies & gentlemen of the court, Martin Lanyard King is a scoundrel.

Martin: (raises his hand angrily)  Objection!

Ito: (glares at Martin again)  I’m gonna allow it.

Martin: (whispers to Joe)  How does he know I’m a scoundrel?

~~~

(Prosecutor Tad Hunter continues his remarks..)

Hunter: Mr. King has shown a repeated affinity to bucking authority and absolving himself of the status quo. He is a threat to society and should be left to himself behind bars until some time in the distant future when he finally recognizes the lasting damage he has done to this town and atones for his sins.

(Joe Blansky elbows Martin in the ribs and he wakes up with a snort. Bennie laughs from the back of the courtroom and Judge Ito calls for Tad’s first witness..)

Martin: (whispers excitedly)  This is gonna be like This Is Your Life!

~~~

Mr. Koch: He sold me volcano insurance to protect my home from a dump!

Martin: (rises up out of his chair)  I gave you a reasonable rate, Goddammit!

~~~

Mrs. Meadows: He kidnapped our child!

Martin: I gave her back!

~~~

Chinaman: He dig hole in my rice paddy!

Martin: (angrily & confusedly)  I thought that was a dream!

~~~

(Hours later..)

Farmer: He alleged I was part of a vast Zionist conspiracy!

Martin: (hands in the air)  Prove you’re not!

Ito: Mr. King, must I remind you again to refrain from these loud outbursts during the prosecution?

Martin: Hey, did OJ really pay you off?

~~~

(Martin is now on the stand as Joe Blansky paces confidently before him..)

Blansky: Mr. King, do the allegations the devilishly handsome Mr. Hunter has leveled against you contain even the slightest, smallest granule of a grain of truth?

Martin: Well…yeah. It’s all true.

Blansky: (stops in his tracks)  What.

Martin: (nods)

Blansky: All of it?

Martin: Yup.

Blansky: The kidnapping? The volcano insurance? The digging a hole to China?

Martin: Yeah. Well, actually the hole thing was my meth-head friend Bennie’s doing. Not sure why digging a hole to China is illegal, though.

Blansky: Bennie?

Martin: Yeah, he’s sitting in the back there next to my Mexican slave, Paco. (waving)  Hi, Paco!

Paco: (waving)  Hi, meester!

Blansky: (shoulders slump)  You have a slave?

Martin: (scoffs)  C’mon man, it’s the Nineties.

Blansky: No, it’s not.

Martin: (turning to Judge Ito)  Um, I rest my case your honor?

Blansky: You can’t say that!

Martin: (pointing at Joe Blansky)  You’re out of order!

Ito: (gaveling)  Mr. King! Please!

(Joe Blansky picks up his briefcase and hustles out of the courtroom..)

Blansky: (muttering to himself)  Gotta start remembering to interview my clients better before court day!

Martin: (leans over to Judge Ito)  C’mon, bro. We’re both Asian. Help a gook-brotha out.

~~~

(The next day in Martin King’s jail cell..)

Martin: Sigh.

STAY TUNED FOR SEASON TWO OF KING FAMILY RESIDENCE!

]]> http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/27/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-17/feed/ 0 erbooker The Kings Creamed Bennie Jafar Martin King Bennie Joe Blansky Martin King Tad Hunter Judge Ito Mr. Koch Chinaman Rumford Farmer Joe Blansky Paco Martin King Prison Martin http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/26/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-16/ http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/26/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-16/#comments Tue, 27 Jul 2010 04:08:31 +0000 erbooker http://totallyradicalsportz.com/?p=673 ]]>

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 16 – “The Car Bomb”

(Martin, Bennie & Paco are peeking out from Bennie & Paco’s hole in the Kings’ front yard..)

Bennie: (squints down the street)  Oh yeah, there it is.

Martin: You see it, Paco?

Paco: (glances sideways at Martin & back up the street)  Si.

Martin: (scowls at Paco)  You don’t see it, do you?

Paco: (looks down)  Si.

Martin: I knew it, such a liar.

Bennie: So, you’re positive?

Martin: (nods solemnly)  Yup. That, my friends, is a bonafide car bomb.

~~~

(The three men retreat to Martin’s backyard hole to devise a plan..)

Paco: Sound risky, señor.

Martin: That’s because it is risky Paco, my alien slave friend.

Paco: Oh.

Bennie: This sounds like more than a three-man job, Martin.

Martin: You wanna go four-man? We talkin’ a four-man job here? We gonna four-man this bitch?

Bennie: (nods)  Yeah, I think we need a fourth.

Martin: I have just the man for the job.

~~~

(Later, at Jafar’s Bazaar..)

Jafar: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

(Bennie heads straight for the ice cream freezer as Paco & Martin approach Jafar at the front counter..)

Martin: Jafar, my man, we got a pretty serious situation down on Holyoke Ave.

Jafar: (rolls his eyes)  And what, pray tell, is that? Did that giant dump mountain finally topple onto your home?

Martin: Nah, I got some poles holding that crap up. Nope, we’ve got terrorists.

Jafar: (continues reading the latest edition of Shopowner’s Magazine)  Do you now?

Martin: (scowls)  Yes we do, Mr. Sarcasm. We need your help.

Jafar: Why me?

Martin: You know.

Jafar: No, I do not. Explain.

Martin: C’mon…you know.

Jafar: Explicate.

Martin: The fuck you call me?

Jafar: Why do you need my help? Me, of all people.

Martin: Criminy, because you’re terrorist-colored, alright? There, ya happy?

Jafar: No.

Martin: Well, neither am I. Terrorists, Jafar. Real, live, prayin’-five-times-a-day terrorists!

Jafar: I highly doubt there are terrorists plotting on a rural road in Rumford, Maine.

Martin: Highly doubt all you like; but they’re there, dammit! And they’re thirsty for blood! The blood of the patriots!

Jafar: Really.

Martin: They’ve got a car bomb, Jafar!

Jafar: And how do you know this?

Martin: Strange car on my street. No new neighbors moving in. It’s got weird wires coming out the bottom of it. Car bomb. Boom.

(Paco is startled & knocks over an Altoids display..)

Martin: You alright there, slave?

Paco: I thought that was the car bomb, señor.

Martin: (chortles)  Silly slave!

Jafar: Slave?

Martin: Pet name. You in?

Jafar: (sighs)  Yes, I’m in.

Martin: Ha, pushover.

(Paco & Martin turn to leave and Bennie swings by the counter with an empty ice cream sandwich wrapper..)

Bennie: Hey, can I have this?

~~~

(Martin, Paco, Jafar & Bennie are crouched in Bennie & Paco’s hole in the front yard, peeking out at the alleged car bomb down the street..)

Jafar: So what is your plan, Martin?

Martin: We need to perform a controlled blast.

Jafar: Sounds dangerous.

Bennie: Sounds awesome! I got firecrackers.

Martin: (chuckles condescendingly)  I don’t think firecrackers are gonna blow that puppy up.

(Bennie reaches into a side-hole he dug in the wall of the main hole and pulls out a brick of C4, handing it to Martin who raises an eyebrow..)

Martin: This could work.

~~~

(Waiting until the dead of night, Martin sends Paco & Bennie – dressed in all black – to set up the C4 underneath the car bomb. Jafar & Martin are still in the hole, Jafar wearing a football helmet and Martin wearing some sort of safari hat..)

Jafar: Do you think it’s safe?

Martin: (takes off his hat & turns it over)  I dunno. Says it’s for kids, but–

Jafar: Not the hat. The C4.

Martin: Oh, that? Hell no.

(Jafar sighs deeply as Paco & Bennie come rushing back toward the hole and dive in..)

Martin: How much time, Paco my man?

Paco: Thirty seconds, señ–

KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The car erupts into the sky in a fiery orange blaze and car shrapnel rains down on the men in the hole. The quiet Rumford night is suddenly filled with the piercing sounds of car alarms and barking dogs as the neighborhood files out onto their lawns. Martin’s safari helmet is knocked off and he’s red-faced..)

Martin: Bennie! I thought you had that thing set on implosion!

Bennie: I kept telling you you can’t do that!

Martin: Well, that’s just great!

(Martin climbs up out of the hole and hollers at his neighbors..)

Martin: Nothing to see here! Everybody return to your homes! The terrorist threat has been thwarted and averted!

(Across the street, Channel 11 news anchor Tom Shimansky is buttoning his pants on the front stoop while his producer’s wife covers herself in a night shawl..)

Shimansky: I better get to the office. This looks newsy.

~~~

(Paco & Bennie finish picking up the last of the car shrapnel as the sun rises and Martin & Jafar enjoy a coffee on the hood of Martin’s car..)

Martin: Wow, what a night.

Jafar: Mmhmm.

Martin: Good coffee.

Jafar: Mmhmm.

Martin: I wonder if we’ll ever get to the bottom of which dastardly terrorist owned that car.

Paco: (picks up half a muffler and tosses it in the trashcan)  Mine, señor.

Martin: Yours, Paco?

Paco: Si.

(Martin reaches for a gun holster that isn’t there..)

Martin: So you’re a terrorist, eh?

Paco: No, señor.

Martin: But why the car bomb?

Paco: It was not a bomb, señor.

Martin: But…the wires sticking out of it!

Paco: It was an old car.

Martin: You knew it was your car the whole time and you still let me blow it up?

Paco: Si. You’re the boss, señor.

Martin: (beams)  Paco my boy, I think this is going to be the start of a wonderful friendship

Paco: Si, I like friends.

Martin: A nonsexual master/slave friendship, of course.

Paco: Si.

Jafar: Martin King, you are a terrible human being.

Martin: (grins)  Si.

]]> http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/26/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-16/feed/ 0 erbooker The Kings Paco Jafar Martin King Creamed Bennie Tom Shimansky Car Bomb Martin King http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/17/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-15/ http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/17/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-15/#comments Sun, 18 Jul 2010 01:25:55 +0000 erbooker http://totallyradicalsportz.com/?p=654 ]]>

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 15 – “The Immigrants”

(Martin King is in line at the Rumford Taco Bell while the customer in front of him is carrying on a conversation in Spanish with the counter clerk. Finally, Martin throws his arms into the sky..)

Martin: Oh, that does it! These immigrants are out of control!

~~~

(Martin unnecessarily stomps into Jafar’s Bazaar..)

Jafar: (sighs)  What seems to be the trouble, my friend?

Martin: I’m sore, Jafar!

Jafar: What has gotten your goat this time around?

Martin: (glances at Jafar & unwraps an ice cream Drumstick)  You Arabs and your goats.

Jafar: You must pay for that.

Martin: (waves his hand)  Nah, I know the guy that runs this place. It’s the immigrants, Jafar!

Jafar: This coming from a Chinese man living in Maine, speaking to his Iranian friend.

Martin: No, you idiot. Real immigrants. The illegal kind.

Jafar: (shrugs)

Martin: (leans in closer, whispering)  Mexicans.

Jafar: (rolls his eyes)  Is this conversation going to quickly devolve into another of your racially-charged rants?

Martin: Probably. But it’s become clear to me in the last half hour or so that somebody’s gotta do something about this illegal immigration situation in this country!

Jafar: And that somebody is you?

Martin: Sho nuff!

~~~

(Later that day, local meth-head Bennie runs into Martin with his toolbox on the outskirts of town..)

Bennie: Hey man, whatcha doin’?

Martin: Hey, Bennie. Building a fence. Wanna help?

Bennie: (shrugs)  Sure. Can I get high first?

Martin: No, I’m gonna have you be sober with zero energy while we do hard labor. Smoke up, Methy!

Bennie: Thanks, bro. (hits meth pipe)  So, what’s the fence for?

Martin: To keep all the illegal immigrants out of our beautiful town.

Bennie: Beautiful town, did you move?

Martin: Help me put this spike strip down over the road.

~~~

(The next morning, Martin steps out onto the front stoop in a wife-beater & briefs, staring down at the spot where the newspaper usually is..)

Martin: Honey! Where’s the Oxford County Herald?

Osaku: They can’t deliver it anymore, ever since you put that wall up.

Martin: (claps his hands)  Well, at least we know it works! I’ll just watch the TV news instead. Less reading.

(Martin flips on Channel 11, where lead anchor Tom Shimansky is reporting..)

Shimansky: Trucks delivering food, water and precious, precious alcohol. A school bus full of children returning from an overnight field trip to Portland. A traveling circus. Trains carrying maple syrup in from Canada. All have been stopped in their tracks by a mysterious fence which was seemingly raised overnight. It’s origin: Unknown. It’s purpose: Unknown. It’s color? Gray.

Martin: (frowns)  Maybe I should’ve gone with black. Stupid Shimansky didn’t mention anything about all the dangerous Mexicans who have been kept at bay!

Shimansky: Local firemen and volunteer citizens have begun dismantling the baffling structure since sunup. Roads should be properly cleared by nightfall.

Martin: (shoots up off the couch)  No! My Patriot Wall!

Shimansky: Some have said that the fence may have been erected in order to keep out illegal aliens–

Martin: (scoffs)  Aliens! Those don’t even exist, you idiot!

Bennie: (peeks his head in the front door)  Did you hear? Shimansky said ‘erected’ on live television!

Martin: (throws a finger at Bennie)  Get back in your hole, Methy!

Shimansky: But experts have stated this would be ridiculous and fruitless, as the fence is only three feet high and everyone knows Mexicans have the ability to jump very high. We’ll be right back.

Martin: (nods)  He’s right. Mexican jumping beans.

Bennie: (knocks on the living room window)  What are we gonna do now?

Martin: There’s only one thing left to do: Racial profiling.

~~~

(Martin has been wandering up to random people in the Rumford Town Square for the past hour. He sees a short, tan woman and taps her on the shoulder..)

Martin: Are you a filthy Mexican?

Woman: Excuse me?

Martin: Sorry, political correctness. Are you a Mexican?

Woman: No.

Martin: Damn!

(A diminutive Mexican man walks by & Martin grabs him..)

Martin: Gotcha, Mexican!

Paco: Que?

Martin: Don’t try to use your fancy Spanish linguistics on me, Paco! What’s your name?

Paco: Me llamo Paco.

Martin: Very funny, Paco. Seriously, what’s your name?

Paco: Me llamo Paco.

Martin: Wow, that was a really good guess. Are you Mexican?

Paco: Si.

Martin: (pumps his fist emphatically)  Racial profiling does work! You’re coming with me, Paco.

Paco: Okay, meester.

~~~

(That afternoon, Martin is relaxing on a lawn chair in the backyard drinking a John Daly – an Arnold Palmer with a shitload of Everclear – while Paco digs a hole. Bennie sits down next to Martin & lights up his meth pipe..)

Bennie: What’s your slave digging?

Martin: Hole. And he’s not a slave. He hasn’t even sung one hymnal!

Bennie: Nice, can I have that hole?

Martin: What’s wrong with your hole in the front yard?

Bennie: I’ve been looking for something in a backyard hole.

Martin: Sorry, pal. This one’s just for daddy.

Bennie: Heh, weird. Where’s your slave gonna live?

Martin: Again, not a slave. And I thought he could crash with you.

Bennie: Sweet! We can be hole buddies!

Martin: That’s great, just…don’t call it that.

Bennie: All this crystal’s makin’ me hungry.

Martin: Taco Bell?

Bennie: Taco Bell.

(Paco peeks out from Martin’s hole..)

Paco: Can I come, meester?

Martin: (explodes)  BACK TO WORK, SLAVE!

Paco: (pouts)

Martin: I’ll bring you back a cheesy gordita crunch.

Paco: (grins)

~~~

(Martin & Bennie have been standing in line at Taco Bell for ten minutes as the person in front of them is carrying on a long conversation in Spanish with the counter clerk. Martin is growing frustrated..)

Martin: Oh, that’s it! You immigrants have got me on my last nerve! I wanna speak to your manager!

(The customer in front of them turns around and holds out his hand..)

Miguel: I’m the manager. Name’s Miguel. Can I help you, sir?

Martin: (taken aback)  You’re the manager?

Miguel: Yes, sir.

Martin: But you’re a–a alien!

Miguel: Pardon me, sir?

Martin: Every time I come in here, you guys are carrying on in your native tongue and I never get any service. I demand respect!

Miguel: Your name is Martin King, is it not?

Martin: Yeah, what’s it to you?

Miguel: Sir, the reason we don’t serve you is because you’ve been banned from this establishment.

Bennie: (laughs)  Ooh, damn! He burned you!

Martin: Banned? Why have I been banned?

(Miguel invites Martin & Bennie into his back office and turns on the TV playing surveillance footage..)

Miguel: This was taken four months ago.

Martin: Can we get some tacos while we watch this?

~~~

(Martin stumbles into the restaurant wearing a giant foam cowboy hat and carrying a long Bourbon Street-style drink..)

Martin: Whoo! Mardi Gras!

Bennie: (turning to Martin)  Isn’t Mardi Gras in March?

(Video Martin slams a hand down on the counter..)

Video Martin: Gimme some tacos, faggot!

Martin: (points at the screen)  That was out of line.

(Video Martin climbs over the counter and starts building his own burrito..)

Video Martin: Gonna need alotta fuckin’ tomatoes up here!

Miguel: (scowls at Martin)

Martin: (shrugs, smiling sheepishly)  I like tomatoes.

(Video Martin is approached by Video Miguel..)

Video Miguel: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to return to the other side of the counter. This kitchen is for Taco Bell employees only.

(Video Martin picks up the honking burrito and smashes it in Video Miguel’s face..)

Video Martin: Right in the cabasa!

Martin: (turns to Miguel)  ‘Cabasa’ is the right word though, correct?

(Video Martin shoves Miguel and they start wrestling on the floor before being broken up by a teenage taco artist..)

Martin: I remember almost none of this. I remember that hat.

(Video Martin is finally kicked out; but not before rushing back in, dropping his slacks and taking a crap on the floor..)

Video Martin: (screams)  Poop Attack!

Martin: You gotta admit, Miguel. That’s pretty funny.

Miguel: (shuts off the television)  Yeah, so that’s why you’ve been banned. So if you’ll please leave..

Martin: (pouts)  Fine.

(Martin & Bennie exit the Taco Bell and Bennie is getting into the passenger’s side of Martin’s car when he glances over at a grinning Martin who winks and sprints back inside. From the parking lot, Bennie can hear an old lady shriek..)

Martin: (hollering)  Poop Attack!

]]> http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/17/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-15/feed/ 0 erbooker The Kings Jafar Martin King Bennie Tom Shimansky Martin King Paco Paco Paco Miguel Bennie Marti Gras Taco Bell http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/15/nightmare-feet/ http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/15/nightmare-feet/#comments Fri, 16 Jul 2010 05:51:48 +0000 erbooker http://totallyradicalsportz.com/?p=664 ]]>

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 14 – “The Volcano”

Martin: Well, there it is.

Bennie: (shakes his head)  Man..

Martin: (nods)  Yup. Volcano in my backyard.

Jafar: (squints, trying to glimpse the peak)  How tall do you believe it to be?

Martin: (shrugs)  Couple thousand feet.

Bennie: (scratching the back of his head)  And it just cropped up overnight?

Martin: (stares at Bennie)  Dude. You live in a hole in the front yard. Did you see this yesterday?

Bennie: (shrugs)  I dunno. Do you think it’s dangerous?

Martin: It’s a volcano! Of course it’s dangerous!

Jafar: (glances at Martin)  So. How are you going to make money off of this one?

Martin: (grins)  Volcano Insurance.

~~~

(Martin & Jafar are knocking on the Kings’ next door neighbor’s front door while Bennie stays behind to guard the volcano. An elderly gentleman answers the door..)

Martin: Mr. Koch. It’s your next door neighbor, Mr. King.

Mr. Koch: (nods)  Yes, the Chinaman.

Martin: Yeah, well…I suppose by now you’ve noticed the volcano in my backyard.

Mr. Koch: Is that what that is?

Martin: Yes and it is extremely dangerous. So I believe it would be wise of you to sign up for King Volcano Insurance.

Mr. Koch: Volcano insurance? That sounds like a load of hooey.

Martin: You wouldn’t want your house to be washed away in a hot magma flow, would you?

Mr. Koch: No.

Martin: Then I highly suggest you fill out this form. It’s just a hundred dollars to join and it lasts a lifetime.

Mr. Koch: Is there a good chance that it’ll blow?

Martin: It’s a volcano, Mr. Koch. It could blow at any moment. And when it blows, it’s gonna blow all over you.

Mr. Koch: That doesn’t sound good.

Martin: Sure doesn’t. Sign here, Mr. Koch.

Mr. Koch: (hands over the cash & fills out the form Martin printed on his home computer moments ago)  What’s this Arabian fella following you around for? Intimidation factor?

Martin: No, he’s just my partner in this get-rich-quick scheme–er, insurance investment firm.

Mr. Koch: You check his background? Maybe he’s behind it all. Could be a terrorist volcano.

Martin: I’ll look into that. But for the time being you, your home and your loved ones are covered by King Volcano Insurance. Congratulations, Mr. Koch on your intelligent investment.

(Martin & Jafar head to the next house..)

Jafar: Terrorist volcano?

Martin: Candy from a baby, Jafar. Candy from a baby.

~~~

(Martin & Jafar are speaking with a weathered mother in her mid-thirties, holding a screaming baby..)

Mother: And this is for what now?

Martin: Volcano insurance. For the giant volcano in my backyard?

Mother: And you’re with who?

Martin: King Volcano Insurance. I’m Martin King.

Mother: And this is for what again?

Martin: The giant fucking volc– look, just fill out this form and gimme a hundred bucks or you’ll be covered in lava.

Mother: Is that a threat?

Martin: (turns to his insurance partner)  Wait, is it lava when it comes out of the volcano, or is it magma?

Jafar: What do you mean?

Martin: I know that it’s one thing when it’s in the volcano and another thing after it comes out. Just can’t remember which is which.

Jafar: I’m not sure. Perhaps you should inquire with a geologist.

Martin: Yeah, like I’m gonna go talk to a giant nerd.

Mother: Are you guys done here? I gotta feed my baby.

Martin: Are you gonna take your boob out?

(The mother slams the door in the amateur insurance salesmen’s faces..)

Martin: Party pooper.

~~~

(Back home, Martin & Jafar are counting up the money they’ve made off their gullible neighbors..)

Martin: Twenty-eight hundred greenbacks! Can’t believe so many dopes live in Rumford!

Jafar: (stroking his spotty goatee)  Martin, I have been thinking. What if the volcano does erupt and damages homes. How will you pay these good people back?

Martin: (chortles)  Oh, silly Jafar. Silly innocent Jafar. Silly innocent naive simple Jafar.

Jafar: Out with it.

Martin: If, Heaven forbid, the volcano does erupt, we’ll catch the brunt of the blast. We’ll perish almost immediately!

(Martin laughs & shakes his head..)

Martin: Silly simple innocent naive Jafar..

(There’s a knock at the door and Kathie Lee answers it..)

Kathie Lee: Dad, there’s a garbage man at the door.

Martin: (comes to the door & shakes the garbageman’s grungy, grimy hand)  Martin King. Pleased to meet you. The city says that’s a regulation-sized garbage can. I went to town council with it twice. You wanna see my permit?

Garbageman: Can’s fine, sir. I got a full truck here. Gotta unload.

Martin: Oh…kay.

Garbageman: I gotta get back there to the dump, is there a side entrance?

Martin: The what now?

Garbageman: The dump. In your backyard.

Martin: (glances outside at the towering peak above his home)  Oh, you mean the volcano.

Garbageman: The what now?

Martin: The volcano. In my backyard.

Garbageman: No, sir. That’s the new Oxford County Dump Annex. We filled up the old one, had to start a new one.

Martin: You mean to tell me that’s a dump in my backyard?

Garbageman: Yup.

Martin: Well…how the hell did that happen?

Garbageman: I got a form here with your name on it. You signed it and everything.

Martin: When did that happen?

Garbageman: You been out drinking with Mayor Chigger lately?

Martin: Well…yeah…crap.

Garbageman: I’m just gonna go ahead and drive this on your lawn, if you don’t mind.

Martin: Whatever.

Garbageman: Yeah, we’re gonna have to pave over all this eventually.

Martin: Sure.

(Jafar joins a distraught Martin on his front lawn..)

Jafar: That would explain why the volcano is so stinky.

Martin: Also explains the pile of diapers.

Jafar: There was a pile of diapers? What did you think those were from?

Martin: (shrugs)  Buncha baby sacrifices to the volcanic gods?

Jafar: So what shall we do now?

Martin: (strokes his chin, deep in thought)

~~~

Martin: Mr. Koch!

Mr. Koch: What do you two minorities want now?

Martin: Can I interest you in some King Dump Insurance?

]]> http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/07/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-14/feed/ 0 erbooker The Kings Jafar Bennie Martin King Mr. Koch Martin King Mr. Koch Mom & Baby Martin King Martin King Kathie Lee King Garbageman Martin King Jafar Mr. Koch Martin King http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/06/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-13/ http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/06/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-13/#comments Tue, 06 Jul 2010 20:46:30 +0000 erbooker http://totallyradicalsportz.com/?p=636 ]]>

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 13 – “The Mine”

(Martin King is sitting on the couch in his boxers, watching Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center..)

Martin: Hah, this is hilarious.

(Bennie comes rushing into the living room from his hole in the front yard and grabs the remote..)

Martin: Bennie! What have I told you about coming inside!

Bennie: (waves him off)  I know, but watch this.

(Bennie flips to Channel 11, where anchor Tom Shimansky is reporting on location..)

Shimansky: I’m here outside the Oxford County Coal Mine where an explosion has just occurred, trapping the miners inside.

Martin: My God.

Bennie: (nods solemnly)  I know.

Martin: Shimansky looks like hell. Has he gotten work done?

Bennie: Thing is, they kinda got the story wrong.

Martin: How so? Miners in a coal mine. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.

Bennie: Come to my hole.

Martin: (frowns & follows Bennie outside)  Gotta start thinking of different ways to word sentences like that.

(Bennie points down into his hole/home and Martin peers in to find a dozen miners sitting around a poker table waving up at him. Martin glances back at a fretting Bennie..)

Martin: Why don’t you ever let me play poker!

~~~

(Bennie & Martin have discreetly snuck the miners down into the Kings’ basement and Martin is pacing before them..)

Martin: Why can’t we just explain all this away? Won’t people be happy the miners aren’t dead?

Miner #1: And let our boss know we were skippin’ work to play cards in a hole with a meth-head? No thanks, pal. I’ll fake my death before I do something stupid like that.

Martin: (nods)  So that’s out. How ’bout the blast was so powerful it rocketed you guys into the hole? How far away is this mine?

Miner #2: ‘Bout ten miles.

Martin: That’s a big blast. I didn’t even know we had coal in Maine.

Bennie: (hits his meth pipe & raises his head to the ceiling, blowing out meth smoke)  I know what we gotta do.

Martin: (nodding expectantly)

Bennie: We gotta sneak ‘em back in.

~~~

(Martin & Bennie have shuttled the miners in a tinted van to a spot just north of the mine, surrounded by a tree thicket..)

Martin: Alright, now what?

Bennie: (adjusts his binoculars)  Looks like the rescue effort is about to begin. Is there a rear entrance into this mine?

Martin: (chortles)

Miner #2: (scoffs)  Of course there is! Follow me, gang!

(The miners crowd around a door on the side of the hill as Miner #2 fiddles with the knob..)

Miner #2: Shoot. Locked. Anybody got keys?

(Martin pushes the miners aside and charges at the door, while Miner #2 tries to stop him. Martin crashes through the door and plummets down a steep hundred-foot stairwell. Miner #2 turns to the other miners, cringing..)

Miner #2: Shoulda mentioned the stairs.

~~~

(Tom Shimansky, live on Channel 11..)

Shimansky: The rescue mission has begun. As you can see behind me, hundreds of local authorities, rescue workers and civilian volunteers have begun to move the large rocks blocking the entrance. Some commotion has been heard toward the back of the mine and it is feared the worst has come of the dozens of miners trapped herein. Rumford Sheriff Randy Gambino has declared today National Dead Miner Day, although it is unclear whether a local sheriff has the authority to enact national holidays. We’ll be right back.

~~~

(The miners and Bennie pick a groaning pile of Martin up and dust him off..)

Martin: Hoo, that hurt!

(The miners laugh and thank Bennie & Martin for getting them back inside..)

Martin: Welp, have fun getting rescued, fellas.

Miner #1: (shakes Martin’s hand)  Thanks again, Mr. King. You’re a pretty good guy for an Oriental.

Martin: Um, thanks.

(Martin & Bennie climb the hundred-foot staircase to exit the mine’s rear entrance, but the door is jammed..)

Martin: (frowns)  It’s caught on something.

(He peers out a crack in the door to find giant boulders blocking the exit..)

Martin: Oh, man! Those tard rescue workers are dumping all the rocks blocking the entrance back here. We’re trapped! Trapped like coal miners!

(Both men hold each other, cry and sink to the ground..)

~~~

Shimansky: Now the rescue workers have turned to corpse-sniffing dogs to help find the miners; which is odd, since the entrance is still pretty much completely blocked by boulders. And now the dogs have begun pooping and chasing each other’s tails. It is – at the same time – distressing and adorable. We’ll be back after this.

~~~

(Martin & Bennie have joined the miners – who have re-started their card game – at the bottom of the stairs..)

Miner #2: What are you guys doing back?

Martin: Door’s blocked. Should you guys be smoking all those cigars? Not a lot of air down here.

Miner #3: (puffing cigar, not looking up from hand)  Plenty of air down here for twelve people.

Martin: (chuckling nervously)  Well, there’s fourteen of us now, so…hehe.

Miner #3: (stares at Martin, puffs cigar)

Martin: (smiling awkwardly)  Alright.

~~~

Shimansky: If you’re just joining us, I’m reporting live from the Oxford County Coal Mine where an explosion has trapped the dozen miners working diligently inside. They are feared dead and covered in filthy coal. More details to come. I should reiterate that – at this point in time – I am speculating wildly.

~~~

(Bennie is passed out on Martin’s shoulder from meth withdrawal as they sit in a  corner of the mine, struggling to breathe..)

Martin: Oh, c’mon! You’re lighting up another one?

Miner #3: (shrugs, lights another cigar)

Martin: (shakes his head, taps Bennie)  Wake up, buddy. I don’t think it’s a good idea to pass out in a collapsed, smoke-filled coal mine.

Bennie: (rubs his eyes, looks around)  I’ve done it before.

(A rescue dog bursts through a pile of rocks near the cave-in and the miners cheer. The dog licks Martin’s face and he laughs as a couple firemen break through the rocks..)

Fireman #1: Did somebody order a rescue?

Miner #3: (annoyedly puts out his cigar)  ‘Bout time, fellas. We’ve been stuck down here for hours. Couldn’t get any coal mining done!

(Tom Shimansky hustles past rescuers and elbows his way into the mine shaft with his cameraman, grabbing Martin by the shoulder..)

Shimansky: Excuse me, we’d like to interview you for the nightly news.

Martin: Me? Wow! I’ve never been on TV before!

Bennie: (frowns)  Yeah, you were on last week, man. Remember? Shimansky interviewed you about your hole to China?

Martin: (elbows his friend, whispering)  Shut up, man!

Shimansky: We’re going live in three, two, one… Good evening, we’re here live inside the Oxford County Coal Mine, where twelve coal miners and two disheveled civilians were rescued from an eternity of being trapped in a dark coal-y tomb. Sir, how did you find yourself inside this mine with these unfortunate miners?

Martin: (smiles, starry-eyed at the camera)  Oh, we just came in the back door an hour ago.

Shimansky: (hesitates)  The back door?

Martin: Yeah, right back there.

(Martin throws a thumb toward the back of the mine..)

Martin: That’s how we snuck the miners back into the coal mine to be rescued by these sexy firemen.

(The firemen glance at each other perturbedly..)

Shimansky: So, these coal miners weren’t in the mine when it collapsed?

Martin: Nope. They were playing poker in the hole in the front yard with my meth-head neighbor.

Bennie: (waves at the camera)

Shimansky: (turns back to the camera, grinning)  Well, there you have it. Miners. Liars.

Miner #3: (throws down his cigar)  Why you rotten–

(He tackles Martin and they start wrestling across the mine floor..)

Martin: Maybe if you had let me play poker with you guys!

Miner #1: (rolls up his sleeves)  Snitches get stitches!

Shimansky: Let’s go to Tucker Jones with sports!

]]> http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/06/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-13/feed/ 0 erbooker The Kings Bennie Martin King Miner #1 Miner #2 Mine Rescue Martin King Miner #2 Tom Shimansky Martin King Miner #1 Tom Shimansky Minor Miner Martin King Tom Shimansky Minor Miner Hot Firemen Martin King Minor Miner Tom Shimansky http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/02/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-12/ http://totallyradicalsportz.com/2010/07/02/king-family-residence-%e2%80%93-episode-1-12/#comments Fri, 02 Jul 2010 19:41:07 +0000 erbooker http://totallyradicalsportz.com/?p=629 ]]>

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 12 – “The Drilling”

Martin: You been readin’ about this offshore drilling stuff, Bennie?

(Martin & Bennie are sitting in Bennie’s trailer in the Fairview Trailer Park, watching Street Court..)

Bennie: (scoffs)  Yeah I’ve been reading all about it, Professor.

Martin: Nice.

(Martin & Bennie share a high-five..)

Martin: No, but for real though. There’s something to this.

Bennie: (tokes)  What?

Martin: Oil. That’s the stuff.

Bennie: What stuff?

Martin: The stuff that’s gonna make us rich, Bennie Boy.

(Martin pats Bennie on the back and begins to rub his shoulder inappropriately until Bennie moves further down the couch..)

~~~

(Bennie & Martin are in the Kings’ front yard with shovels..)

Martin: (drops a shovel into the lawn)  We start diggin’ here.

Bennie: In your front yard? Don’t you think that’s a little drastic, bro?

Martin: (scowls)  I don’t think it’s drastic enough! How stupid would I look if some dope came along and struck oil in my own damn front yard?

Bennie: (stumped)  Um…awfully stupid?

Martin: (bonks Bennie lightly on the head with his shovel)  Precisely.

(Martin digs out a big chunk of lawn. Kato comes outside and sits on the front stoop, staring at his father and his father’s meth head friend going to work..)

Kato: Whatcha doin’, Pop?

Martin: Black gold, son. Black gold.

Kato: Oh, like that magazine of yours I found and cried all night about?

Bennie: (smiles at Martin, raising his eyebrows)

Martin: No..that was…different. You gonna yap all day over there about porn or are you gonna dig in?

(Kato excitedly sprints to the garage for another shovel..)

Bennie: (still grinning)  Black Gold. That’s a quality magazine.

(Bennie & Martin exchange another high-five.)

~~~

(By nightfall, a substantially immense hole has been dug in the front yard. Martin, Bennie & Kato are taking a beer/meth/root beer break in the hole when Osaku gets home..)

Osaku: (getting out of her car slowly)  What. The. Hell.

Martin: (hollering up from the hole)  Hey, honey! Down here!

(Osaku peers down into the hole to find Martin, Bennie & Kato waving back up at her..)

Martin: We’re digging a hole!

Osaku: Yes, dear. I noticed. And why, pray tell?

Kato: (too excited to contain himself)  Black Gold, Ma!

Osaku: Dammit, Martin! I told you to get rid of those disgusting magazines!

Bennie: (pointing up at Osaku)  Oop, racist.

Martin: Oil, dear. He means oil.

Osaku: You’re digging for oil.

Martin: Yes.

Osaku: In our front yard.

Martin: Yes.

Osaku: In rural Maine.

Martin: Mmhmm.

(Osaku doesn’t say another word and rushes inside.)

Bennie: She took that rather well.

Martin: (nods confidently)  Yeah, man. I got that trick trained!

(Martin & Bennie share yet another high-five and then a pillow and blanket drop on Martin’s head..)

Martin: (squinting up at Osaku, down at the bedding and back up at Osaku)  ‘Sup?

Osaku: You’re sleeping in the hole tonight.

Martin: (raises his fists in the air)  Sweet! Hole party! Can Bennie sleep over?

Bennie: (bouncing up and down)  Pleeease, Mrs. K?

Osaku: (turns around and heads back inside)  I don’t care!

(Martin & Bennie share their twenty-eighth high-five of the day. A tear forms in the corner of Bennie’s eye..)

Bennie: This hole is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

~~~

(The next day, Martin & Bennie are awoken from their sleeping bags by a hubbub from up on ground level. Martin climbs up out of the hole to find his sidewalk and what’s left of his front lawn packed to the brim with news media and rubberkneckers..)

Martin: (nods at the assorted media)  ‘Sup?

(Channel 11′s star reporter, Tom Shimansky, approaches Martin..)

Shimansky: We are here live with a local man – Martin King – who is digging a hole to China.

Martin: (smiling into the camera)  Yes, thank you Tom. I–what?

Shimansky: How did this whole digging-to-China idea come about? Is it because you’re Chinese?

Martin: Oh, so just ’cause I’m Chinese I gotta be diggin’ a hole to China, huh? That’s racist!

Shimansky: Well, sir, what are you doing?

Martin: (shrugs)  Digging for oil.

Shimansky: (taken aback)  Oil.

Martin: Yup.

Shimansky: In your front yard.

Martin: Yup.

Shimansky: In rural Maine.

Martin: (grinning widely)  Yup.

(Tom Shimansky turns to his camera crew and drops his mic..)

Shimansky: Let’s pack it up, fellas. There’s no story here.

Martin: What are you talkin’ about, Shimansky? Oil! It’s like the most important thing in the world! I’m gonna be rich! Saudi-rich!

(The Channel 11 news van takes off down the street while Bennie waves goodbye. The sidewalk clears and Martin turns back to his son and his meth-head consort..)

Martin: Well, back to the hole.

~~~

(Late that night, the three have dug down another ten feet, past various pipes, wire and buried pets..)

Bennie: (wipes his brow)  Man, I could sure use some crystal right about now.

Martin: (chortles, glances at Kato)  Don’t do drugs, son.

Kato: (smiling)  K, Dad.

(Martin slams his shovel back into the hole and hears a clank. The three gasp.)

Martin: Oil?

Kato: Treasure?

Bennie: Meth?

(After hurriedly digging with their hands, the men are met with a small, submarine-style hatch door. Martin glances at Bennie & Kato, shrugs and turns the wheel. The hatch opens and the men are met with blinding light. Climbing down, they soon find themselves climbing up out of the ground on a beautiful sunny day, surrounded by green. A small man with a funny hat comes running over toward the confused men..)

Chinaman: You get out of my rice paddy, now!

Martin: Rice paddy? The fuck are we?

Chinaman: You in China, stupid!

Martin: (gasps and then belches)

Kato: (laughs)

Martin: Y’all got oil?

Chinaman: No oil! You go back down in hole.

Martin: (shrugs)  Fair enough. We were leavin’ anyway.

(The three climb back down and find themselves back in their hole on a cool Rumford night..)

Martin: Well, that was different. Who wants ice cream?

Kato: (jumps around wildly)  I do!

Bennie: (rubs the back of his neck uneasily)  I got kind of an awkward question to ask you, Marty.

Martin: Anything, Ben.

Bennie: Repo man took my trailer. Can I live here?

Martin: (puts a hand on Bennie’s shoulder)  My hole is your hole, friend.

(The two smile warmly at each other and Kato giggles..)

Kato: Hole.

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 11 – “The Asylum”

(Martin wakes up in a small room, drenched in sweat..)

Martin: What the?

(He gets up to exit the room, but finds the door is locked from the outside..)

Martin: (banging on the door)  Hey! Lemme outta here! I gotta pee!

(An armed guard pokes his face in the door’s window..)

Guard: Keep it down in there!

Martin: Who are you? Where am I?

Guard: You’re in the Bangor Mental Health Institute, fool!

(The guard walks back down the hall and Martin stares out the one window in the room, down to the lawn below..)

Martin: Eep.

~~~

(Later that afternoon, a doctor enters Martin’s room and shuts the door behind him..)

Doctor: Good morning, Martin. I’m Dr. Irving. Dr. Julius Irving.

Martin: Ha.

Doctor: (annoyed)  I hear you’re speaking again.

Martin: What’s going on here, Doc? Why am I here?

Doctor: Why, because you’re crazy, Martin.

Martin: I’m not crazy! You’re crazy! This whole damn court is out of order!

Doctor: You’re suffering from Hysterical Mind Shock, or HMS.

Martin: Hysterical Mind Shock? That doesn’t sound very hysterical..

Doctor: I guess you had to be there. You suffered a traumatic event that stunted your brain activity and led to the catatonic state you’ve been in for the past couple weeks.

Martin: Weeks? I’ve been here for weeks? Where’s my family? I’ve got shit to do! Oh wait, no I don’t. I’m good.

Doctor: You have a family?

Martin: Yeah, the King family! They’re awesome! Well, not awesome. Pretty cool sometimes.

Doctor: (jotting down on a notepad)  So your name’s Martin King. Interesting.

Martin: You didn’t know that? Didn’t you rifle through my wallet? That’s what I’d do if I worked in a hole like this.

Doctor: You arrived here without a stitch of clothing and no identification.

Martin: (chortles)  Yeah, that sounds like me.

Doctor: This is serious, Martin. This event, whatever it was, could have terrible future medical ramifications on your mind.

Martin: Ruh roh. You mean me be dumber?

Doctor: (sighs)  Something like that.

Martin: (shrugs, picks his nose)

Doctor: (hands Martin a cup full of pills)  Here. Take these, I’ll visit you later on. Now, I should warn you that these pills have dangerous side effects; so you should only take two–

Martin: (hands Dr. Irving the empty cup)  Bottoms up!

Doctor: (staring at the empty cup)  Oh dear.

~~~

(Martin is screaming and thrashing at the walls while Dr. Irving and the guard stare at him through the tiny door window..)

Guard: You want me to do something, Doc?

Doctor: No, we’ll let him run out of steam.

Martin: (screams and headbutts the window, cracking the glass)

Doctor: On second thought..

(The guard rushes into the room and – after some light scuffling – tranquilizes Martin..)

Guard: (pouting)  He scratched my cheek!

Doctor: Yes, he’s a scrappy one.

Guard: (giggling)  Watch, I’m gonna put his pants on backwards, make him think we raped him.

~~~

(Hours later, Martin wakes up groggily on his holding cell cot, strapped down by restraints. Dr. Irving is smiling, sitting in a chair across the room..)

Doctor: How are we feeling, Mr. King?

Martin: Sorta…loosey-goosey. What’d you give me?

Doctor: A mild sedative, you were suffering…complications.

Martin: Are my pants on backwards?

Guard: (stifles a guffaw)

Doctor: Let’s press on. When you arrived, you were deeply delusional. Ranting on and on about something so terrible – so horrible – that you weren’t even making sense.

Martin: Well? What was I yelling about, Doc?

Doctor: Something about dogs. Dogs from Hell.

(Suddenly, Martin is smacked in the face with a bright, white flashback..)

~~~

(Martin is outside on the Jafar’s Bazaar loading dock, helping Jafar unload the Hostess truck while the driver – Gerald – smokes a cigarette..)

Martin: Man. Twinkies, Ho-Hos, Chim-Chams. We’ve got everything!

Jafar: (weary from doing most of the lifting)  Yes, it is all very exciting.

Martin: (unloads the last box, glances around the empty truck)  Hey Gerald, ya big goof! You forgot the Devil Dogs!

Gerald: (stamps out his cigarette butt, hops in the truck cab)  They don’t make Devil Dogs anymore.

(Martin’s brain makes an audible snap, he screams, takes off all his clothes and blacks out..)

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 10 – “The Tourney”

Martin: You fill out your Maine State Girl’s High School Basketball Tournament bracket yet?

Jafar:  My what?

(Martin King & Jafar al-Abin are fishing for mackerel in the crick at the bottom of the Rumford City Gravel Pit..)

Martin:  Your bracket. For the girl’s tournament. Pot is at $1200 right now.

Jafar:  You’re going to wager money on teenage girls?

Martin:  No, I’m gonna sit around idly while somebody else wins $1200. Of course I’m gonna wager money on teenage girls! So, are you in?

Jafar:  I’m not sure. It seems amoral.

Martin:  (waving his fishing pole)  Oh, everything’s amoral with you. I’m gonna start callin’ you Amoral Annie.

Jafar:  Please don’t. And the reason I often call things amoral is because most of your actions would be considered as such by most sensible human beings.

Martin:  Whatever. Are you in, Annie?

Jafar:  Yes.

Martin:  Oh yeah and we’re fixing the tournament.

Jafar:  What?

~~~

(Outside the Bangor Auditorium, Martin is assembling his tools..)

Martin:  Let’s see, I got the laser pointer to blind the girls when they go in for easy layups. The long stick to trip girls from our posh courtside seats. My gun. This whoopee cushion to embarrass the female coaches when they sit down. And a “You Suck” sign to lower everybody’s self-esteem.

Jafar:  This all seems very cruel and highly illegal.

Martin:  You forgot “very cruel.”

Jafar:  No, I didn’t.

Martin:  Anyway, we’re gonna make a fortune.

Jafar:  I still do not understand how one profits from gambling on a girl’s high school basketball tournament. Who wagers money on such a thing?

Martin:  The Polish mob. I’m gonna outsmart those fools again. Like taking candy from a Polish adult.

Jafar:  Didn’t they almost kill you the last time you tangled with them?

Martin:  (shrugs)  Yeah, probably. All my hijinks have become a blur at this point. A hilarious blur!

Jafar:  Who are we wagering on to win the tournament?

Martin:  Rumford High, of course! Go Rumford Tractors!

Jafar:  Wait, did you mention a gun?

Martin:  (scampers into the auditorium)

~~~

(Inside the auditorium, the games are in full swing and Martin is running all around the court attempting to distract the girls but generally not impacting games in the slightest. At halftime, he is greeted at the popcorn stand by Polish mob boss Pavel Posluzsky..)

Martin:  Pavel! Hey, buddy! Here to see your golden goose in action?

Posluzsky:  The team we wagered on is down by fifteen at the half, Mr. King. You told us this game was “a lock.” How do you plan on righting this wrong?

Martin:  No sweat, Poley. Just let old Mr. Distraction do his thing.

Posluzsky:  Very well. Do not fail me, Mr. King.  (turns to leave)

Martin:  You want some popcorn?

Posluzsky:  No, I get that half-shell stuck in the back of my throat and then I have to deal with that for the rest of the day.

Martin:  I know, right? Bye, Polish mob boss.

(A large group of people stare at Pavel as he skulks away. Martin turns to Jafar, frantic..)

Martin:  Jafar! What the hell are we gonna do?!

Jafar:  What? I thought Mr. Distraction was to take over?

Martin:  I’ve been Mr. Distracting since tipoff and I haven’t done shit! These girls are like Make Me Laugh contestants! They won’t budge! We gotta do something drastic in the second half or we’re both toast!

Jafar:  (pondering)  Do you know of a nearby wig store?

Martin:  (rolls his eyes)  What kind of a question is that? Of course I do!

~~~

(Martin & Jafar sneak into the Rumford girl’s locker room after the rest of the team has taken the court..)

Martin:  (be-wigged, slipping into a Rumford girls’ uni)  I don’t know about this, Jafar.

Jafar:  You always brag about your basketball prowess. This is the only way. You must embrace your feminine side.

Martin:  (scoffs, adjusts wig)  Pssh, F that. I’m ’bout to embrace my ballin’ side.

Jafar:  (patting Martin on the back)  Be aggressive out there. Don’t be afraid to knock those young ladies around.

Martin:  (clapping his hands together)  Just as long as I don’t knock ‘em up, right?  (chortles)  Seriously, though, let’s go hit some girls.

(A janitor has been mopping in the corner of the locker room the whole time. The three men stare in silence for a moment..)

Martin:  Not literally.

(Martin & Jafar quickly hustle out of the locker room.)

~~~

Shimansky:  In other news, our very own Rumford Lady Tractors put up their worst performance of the season and have been eliminated from the Maine State Girl’s Tourney, mostly due to the abysmal second-half performance of transfer guard Martina Kingstershen.

Martin:  Aw, friggin’ Shimansky! They got my name wrong!

(Martin is caked in sweat, still wearing his wig in the King Family living room. Jafar and the Kings are sitting around the television, heads in their hands..)

Shimansky:  Kingstershen hogged the ball down the stretch, refusing to pass to wide-open teammates and brutally fouling opponents indiscriminately on the defensive end.

Martin:  Those refs were bullshit.

Shimansky:  One Rumford native voiced his opinion..

Bennie:  That chick with the adam’s apple sucked! They should trade her.

Reporter:  I don’t believe high schools can trade players.

Bennie:  Y’all got meth?

Jafar:  (runs a hand through his hair)  And there’s the capper.

Martin:  (pats Kato on the back)  Well, son? What do you think of your old man? He can still ball, eh?

Kato:  (smiling weakly)  Yeah, Pop.

Kathie Lee:  Not sure I wanna hear the answer, but why did you shave your legs and nothing else?

Martin:  (shrugs)  I always shave my legs. Aerodynamics.

Kathie Lee:  …

Osaku:  And how much money did you lose us with this adventure?

Martin:  (removing his wig)  Yeah, the Poles got us on a payment system now.

Bennie:  (sprints into the living room)   I WAS ON TV!!!

“King Family Residence is filmed before a live studio audience..”

Episode 9 – “The Jail”

(On a series of mounting technicalities, Martin King & Jafar al-Abin find themselves imprisoned in the Charleston Correctional Facility in Dover-Foxcroft, Maine..)

Martin:  Well, this sucks.

Jafar:  (nods)  Yes, prison is a terrible place.

Martin:  No, I mean being in Dover. There’s nothing to do here!

Jafar:  I’m afraid you have not yet fully begun to grasp the severity of our situation.

Martin:  I get it, Jafar. We’re in jail. Jeez, get over it man.

Jafar:  And it is all your fault.

Martin:  Oh, here we go. Flashback time!

~~~

(Jafar’s version..)

Jafar:  I was just minding my own business at the Bazaar one afternoon, doing my inventory, when in walked trouble.

(Martin bounds into the Bazaar on a pogostick, knocking over display cases and sunglass stands..)

Martin:  Check it out! I got a pogostick!

(Bennie peeks his head out of the freezer where he’s eating ice cream straight out of the tub..)

Bennie:  Awesome!

(Martin hops up & down repeatedly on a pair of shades..)

Martin:  Man, you sell a lot of sunglasses here.

Jafar:   Can you please refrain from pogosticking in my establishment?

Martin:  (tosses the pogostick into the chip aisle)  Whatever, dude. I’m all pogosticked out. I got a business proposition for ya.

Jafar:  (sighs deeply)  Can we please just skip it this week? Your plans for monetary gain always end in misery.

Martin:  Not this one! We’re gonna be gunrunners!

Jafar:  No. No. A thousand times no!

Martin:  Relax, we’re not selling them to bad guys. We’re selling them to collectors. They’re World War II guns.

Jafar:  And where did you get your hands on a number of WW2 guns?

Martin:  Haven’t yet. We gon’ steal ‘em, nigga!

Jafar:  Nope. Count me out. I will not go with you on another illegal endeavor.

Martin:  Too late! We’re already there!

(Jafar looks up to find they’re standing outside the Rumford National Civil War Historical Society..)

Jafar:  How did you do that?

Martin:  Magic!

~~~

(Once inside, Martin starts picking the lock on a storage case full of old rifles..)

Jafar:  Shouldn’t we be wearing gloves?

Martin:  Who are you, Billy Ripken?

Jafar:  Aren’t you concerned with fingerprints?

Martin:  The only thing I’m concerned about is is my wallet gonna be big enough to hold all the cash I’m about to get. Man, these are some old-ass guns.

Jafar:  I believe these are Civil War-era guns.

Martin:  Aw, man! Where the WW2 guns at?

Jafar:  This is a Civil War historical society. There are no WW2-era guns housed here.

Martin:  Well, that sucks! Who would wanna buy Civil War guns. That was like the most boringest war ever!

(Just then the men notice a squad car pull up to the front door..)

Martin:  Aw shit, it’s on now. Here, load this.

Jafar:  (catches a Civil War rifle)  What? What are you planning to do, Martin?

Martin:  Follow my lead, sand crab.

(Martin charges out the front door yelling, firing his musket. Jafar sighs wearily and follows suit..)

~~~

(Martin is sitting arms crossed on the top bunk of their cell, rolling his eyes..)

Martin:  So that’s what happened, eh Jafar? Nice try, Rashomon.

Jafar:  What?

Martin:  I dunno. Anyway, this is what really happened. Anymore of that toilet wine left?

Jafar:  (dryheaves)  You said this was Hawaiian Punch!

~~~

(Martin’s version..)

Martin:  You were just minding your business at the Bazaar one afternoon, doing dumb work stuff, when in walked awesome. Wait, did I say “walked”? I meant “rocketed”! JETPACK!

(Martin rockets through a side wall of Jafar’s Bazaar and knocks over every shelf in the store..)

Martin:  Jetpack, motherfuckers!

(Jafar sprints out from behind the counter, desperately trying to corral Martin..)

Jafar:  What are you doing, you fool!

Martin:  I’m half-jet now!

(Bennie pokes his head out from the freezer, faceful of ice cream..)

Bennie:  Tubular!

(Martin finally shuts off the rocket boosters and drops to the ground, removing the jetpack..)

Martin:  Still workin’ on landings. ‘Sup, my niggas?

Jafar:  (looking around his destroyed store)  Are you going to help me clean all this up?

Martin:  (scoffs)  No time for cleaning, there’s money to be had! American money!

Jafar:  (nods, stroking his chin)  I’m intrigued. Your plans are always foolproof. Tell me more.

Martin:  (now inexplicably surrounded by bikini-clad babes)  We’re gonna borrow Civil War guns and make a fortune! Ain’t that right, girls?

Babes:  (giggle, bounce)

Jafar:  By “borrow”, I assume you mean steal.

Martin:  Sho nuff!

Martin:  (pops his jetpack back on, grabs Jafar and rockets through the roof)  To the historical society!

(They race across the sky as a T-Rex lunges at them with his mighty jaws.)

~~~

(Martin drops from the ceiling of the historical society on a cord, Mission: Impossible-style..)

Jafar:  (from inside the ceiling)  I’m pretty sure there aren’t any lasers on the floor, Martin.

(Just then a mustachioed gentleman bursts through the door with two hulking henchmen..)

Vanderbilt:  It is I! Cornelius Vanderbilt! The greatest cat burglar the world has ever seen! Those American Civil War relics are mine! Get ‘em, boys!

(The henchmen pull Martin & Jafar out of the ceiling and throw them into the corner..)

Martin:  You’ll never get away with this, Vanderbilt!

Vanderbilt:  (hands on hips)  I laugh at you! Ha HA!

Jafar:  (hisses at Martin)  You know this gentleman?

Martin:  (nods)  He’s Cornelius Vanderbilt, the second-greatest cat burglar the world has ever seen. He’s my arch-nemesis and he smells like boogers.

(Martin leaps to his feet and strikes a kung-fu stance, literally saying..)

Martin:  Hiya!

Vanderbilt:  (spins around, twiddles his mustache)  So, it’s come to this.

~~~

(Back in the cell, Martin is “wrapping up” the story..)

Martin:  And then there was this awesome karate fight and I was like “Bia! Bia!” and he was all like “Blam! Blam! Blam!” And then these Civil War ghosts floated in, took their guns and started shooting each other. And you were like, “Save me, Martin! I pee-peed my pants-pants!” And I was like, “I’ll save you!” and I grabbed my jetpack and–

Jafar:  None of that happened, you ingrate.

Martin:  (shrugs sheepishly)  Some of it, sorta.

Jafar:  (sighs deeply, muttering to himself)  Six more weeks to go. Six more weeks to go.

Martin:  (lies back on the top bunk, hands folded behind his head)  What’s for dinner tonight?

Jafar:  Gruel.

Martin:  Mmm, I love gruel.